How To Deal With A Partner In Debt – Debt & Relationships.
This post contains affiliate links; please read our Disclosure for more information.
Money by nature is an emotional topic, never mind just debt.
Debt affects relationships in many ways and if not dealt with can have negative consequences.
Most debt carries with it a lot of emotions that are largely negative and can heavily impact your wellbeing.
If your partner is in debt and you’re wondering how to deal with it, here are some pointers for you.
Table of Contents
How to Deal With Your Partner In Debt
Relationships are built on trust, and money is one area where that trust is tried and tested.
If your partner confides in you about their debts that is a step in the right direction.
If you ask your partner about their debts and they tell you, that is also a step in the right direction.
However, if financial infidelity occurred trust is broken.
This is when one partner has been lying about their debts or keeping them hidden.
It’s possible to rebuild trust after financial infidelity and start going through this together.
If you’re looking to deal with a partner in debt it means you’re willing to keep the relationship going.
Not only that, you’re willing to make radical change in your relationship.
The journey may be tough but the end result will be worth it.
Am I Liable For My Partner’s Debts?
No you’re not legally liable to repay your partner’s debts since they’re in their name only.
But if you took the debts in joint names or acted as a guarantor of the debts then you will be.
This applies no matter the state of your emotional relationship.
By this I mean whether you’re together, separated or things are complicated.
This is about supporting your partner in debt rather than taking on your partner’s debts.
Depending on the state of your relationship, you may not feel comfortable putting money towards your partner’s debts.
This is totally fine as you have no obligation to do so.
Whatever your stance there are mainly two ways to support your partner in debt.
How To Emotionally Support My Partner In Debt
This post is largely to guide you through supporting your partner financially.
However, supporting your partner emotionally is a big part of the process.
Firstly, don’t act as judge, jury and executioner. They probably already do that themselves.
Debt can bring a lot of guilt, shame and anxiety around finances.
Support them by showing them you’re there for them and you’ve got their back.
You should also become their accountability partner.
Which strategy you choose to follow (more on this below) you should keep them accountable.
Regularly check the progress of repaying their debts and support them when they feel like giving up.
You can also choose to support them through the admin side of managing money.
This can be ensuring the credit card is paid on time or researching into balance transfer offers for them.
These actions can help your partner feel supported and uplifted to repay their debts.
Now let’s talk about this if you’re wanting to step in financially.
How To Financially Support My Partner In Debt
Your budget is the first thing to establish.
This is specifically about the way you approach your finances overall in your relationship.
There are 3 common ways that you can manage your finances as a couple.
50/50 Split
This is where you add up your combined living expenses, particularly household bills and food, and divide the amount by 2.
You’ll each put in the same amount towards your bills and food expenses, whilst leaving other expenses like debt repayments and transport separate.
Split According to Income
This is the same as the 50/50 split but takes income into account.
Let’s say your combined income is £5,000 a month with your income being £3,000 and your partner’s being £2,000.
This would mean your pay is 60% and your partner’s pay is 40% of your combined income.
Unlike the 50/50 split, with this method you’d split your bills by the same percentage.
So you’d pay 60% of your combined expenses, with your partner paying 40%.
Again, the remainder after the combined expenses is left separate.
Joint Money
This is where you combine your finances.
You both have a say in what happens with all your combined income.
It’s when you adopt the mindset of ‘our money’ as opposed to ‘your money and my money’.
Everything is combined, bills, food, transport, investing, debt repayment and so on.
By combined I don’t mean joint accounts, but a combined mindset where it’s ‘our money’ and we both decide what we do with it.
Once you’ve discussed your overall approach to money we can then formulate a plan to deal with a partner in debt.
List All Your Partner’s Debts
The first step to tackling debts is to know what that debt is altogether.
You can choose to do this together or you allow your partner space to do it by themselves, it’s up to you.
Get the complete list of every debt, particularly listing:
- Name of Lender
- Type of debt
- Amount owed
- Monthly fixed/minimum payments
- Interest Rate charged
Money can make or break a relationship. Learn how to use money to enhance your love and unity with your partner with the Couples Money Starter Kit Workbook.
Your Approach To Deal With Your Partner’s Debts
Your approach to budgeting as a couple influences the way you’ll handle these debts.
However fitting for all styles, is to analyse your living expenses and identify areas you could repurpose the money towards debts.
For instance, you may decide to lower your food bill or cancel some memberships and use the money for debts.
50/50 Split Budgeting
If your chosen method is to divide your combined expenses 50/50 whilst leaving the remainder separate, decide how much you’re willing to pay towards your partner’s debts.
It would be great for you to know the complete picture of the existing debts that are there.
This will enable you to make a fair decision about how much makes sense to put towards your partner’s debts.
You may even consider taking on more bills to give them more room to repay their debts.
Income Split Budgeting
Similar approach to the 50/50 budgeting method.
If you’re the higher earner then keep in mind you are already covering a larger portion of your combined living expenses.
An option could be that you take on more bills to free up money on your partner’s side to use towards their debts.
If you’re the lower earner remember that you’d be covering less of the living expenses.
However, you may have less of a disposable income after your personal expenses.
Joint Money Budgeting
The ‘our money’ mindset also means ‘our debts’ no matter who legally owns the debts.
Although the debt belongs to your partner, you would emotionally accept it as if it’s your own debt.
With the joint money method, it’s pretty much guaranteed that you’ll both have a view of all the debts.
You’ll both have a discussion about how much from your combined income you’re putting towards your debts.
You may even decide to live on one income and use the other income towards debt payments.
Set Boundaries
It’s important to set boundaries that you’ll both adhere to on your debt free journey.
These boundaries are in place to protect you both plus to limit the risk of going into further debt.
Above all, it’s important that you have a budget.
Budgeting is the foundation of getting out and staying out of debt.
You may decide to take the responsibility of budgeting all the money and allocate your partner a spending allowance.
You may also decide to hold on to the credit cards so your partner doesn’t keep spending money on them. Another option is to cut the cards.
This can include discussion about your other financial goals and you may decide to cancel the holiday plans you had until you pay off your partner’s debts.
Set boundaries which you both understand and agree on.
Being clear about how you’re tackling the debts, setting responsibilities, and discussing your plans.
Other Financials
Debts are one part of the overall financial picture.
You may also use this as an opportunity to become more ‘together’ with your finances.
It’s totally up to you how you do it according to what feels right in your relationship.
Other financials to consider include, credit scores, savings and investments, and bank accounts held.
Has your partner’s history with debts led to adverse credit history such as CCJ’s, IVA’s, or defaulted payments?
How much is saved or invested and how does that match against the total amount in debt?
A simple tidying up of your partner’s bank accounts may help solve the reason they spend more than they earn.
The more accurate the overall financial picture the better you’ll deal with your partner’s debts.
Seek Debt Advice
Sometimes these conversations can do more damage than good.
This can occur if emotions are high and things get heated, or if you find it overwhelming.
I would advocate that you speak to a professional debt consultant who can help you through.
They’ll help you have healthy conversations about money and debt.
Plus they can walk you through a debt repayment strategy that fits your circumstances.
There is no sham in needing help and support.
It’s worth saying that this depends on the mindset of the partner who’s in debt.
If they aren’t willing to get help don’t try to force it.
Debt And Relationships
Finally, it’s important to note that this is a marathon not a sprint.
When dealing with your partner’s debts you’ll need a long term view.
This might be a pivotal moment in your relationship where you make some adjustments both financially and emotionally.
It’s important to not judge or ridicule your partner about their past decisions that have led them to where they are.
Be kind, courteous, and supportive as you deal with a partner in debt.
Debt can make or break relationships, it’s in your power to choose what it will do to yours.
Take Action
Take the jump and talk to your partner today about debts.
Share this with your friend, family, or partner and let it be an ice breaker to your discussion.
Check out our Couples Money Workbook to have a tool to rebuild your financial intimacy and start working together with money.
Let us know how you’re getting along by getting in touch with us, we’d love to hear from you
Knowledge is powerless without action
So take action, and take care
Thando