How To Rebuild Trust In A Relationship After Financial Infidelity
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One of the most devastating things in life is being betrayed by someone you love.
It’s painful and hurtful in any shape or form.
Relationships are built on trust and when one partner betrays that trust, it takes work to recover.
Money plays a critical role in a relationship.
In fact, money can make or break a relationship.
If not handled well, money can lead to acts of betrayal that break trust in your relationship.
Today, I’ll talk you through how to rebuild trust in your relationship after financial infidelity.
Table of Contents
Financial Infidelity
In a relationship, infidelity is when one partner is unfaithful to another.
The most obvious case of infidelity is cheating or having an affair with someone else.
But it’s also very possible to be unfaithful when it comes to finances.
In fact, it’s common.
Financial infidelity is when one partner betrays their partner financially.
Moreover, it’s the number one destroyer of your financial intimacy.
the common way financial infidelity manifests itself is lying to your partner about money.
Lying about your salary, a major expense or hiding your debts or investments from them.
Being engaged in secret financial acts, no matter how “small”, is committing financial infidelity.
How Financial Infidelity Breaks Trust In A Relationship
Imagine you find out your partner has thousands in debt and you had no idea.
Or, you learn they’ve been gambling large amounts behind your back.
They’ll tell you they lied because they were ashamed and also scared of how you’d react.
No matter the circumstance, trust will be broken.
You can’t be in a genuine relationship building a life together without trust.
Finding these things out will cause you to be sceptic about everything.
For starters, you’ll wonder why they didn’t tell you.
Worse, you’ll start questioning their motives, their character and their love for you.
There are a number of money issue that couples fight about which are influenced by financial infidelity.
The consequences of financial infidelity are more painful than the reasons for it.
How To Deal With Financial Infidelity
There is no one blanket solution for this.
The truth is, financial infidelity is not just a money problem. It’s a relationship problem.
In other words, money is simply a symptom, the root cause is always something else.
When dealing with financial infidelity understand there are bigger issues at play.
Look within your relationship and have conversations about why the betrayal happened.
As I mentioned earlier, trust will be broken.
I’d say rebuild trust in your relationship and everything else should fall in place.
Money can make or break a relationship. Learn how to use money to enhance your love and unity with your partner with the Couples Money Starter Kit Workbook.
How To Rebuild Trust In A Relationship After Financial Infidelity
I’ll give you specific points of view based on where you stand.
We’ll discuss steps for the one betrayed, then discuss steps for the betrayer.
Then we’ll discuss action steps you should do together.
In order for any of this to work, you must be extremely H.O.T.
Honest, open and transparent.
No more hiding, lying or being evasive.
It won’t be easy at first but it will be worth it once you’ve gone through it.
You’ll emerge with deeper financial intimacy in your relationship.
How To Get My Partner To Trust Me Again After Financial Infidelity
If you betrayed your partner financially here are some things for you to consider.
Be Proactive
Own your mistake. You betrayed your partner.
You wish you could go back in time and make different choices. But what’s done is done.
Despite how you feel, you have to proactively regain your partner’s trust.
One of the practical things you can do is to lay all your financials on the table with them.
If you have debts you could give them your credit cards for them to hold on to.
This will show your partner you have nothing else to hide and are opening up about your finances.
You should also express to them what led you to make those choices.
Not in a justified way but in an effort for them to see the full picture.
But don’t forget money is only part of the problem.
Your partner feels betrayed and violated so don’t ignore tr disregard their feelings.
Forgive Yourself
You feel awful, ashamed, guilty.
The guilt of lying to your partner starts to settle in and you wonder why you did it.
You may fear how this will impact and affect your relationship as a whole.
Accept what you did and take responsibility for your actions.
Then forgive yourself for the decisions you made.
How To Trust Your Partner Again After Financial Infidelity
Here are some points to think about if you’ve been betrayed.
Feel The Pain
You were betrayed and hurt, no matter how silly it seems.
Tell your partner how you really feel so they understand where you are.
Don’t fall into the temptation of thinking “it’s only a small matter it’s fine”.
This is how small issues are bottled up over time, eventually, you’ll erupt.
Feel your pain and express your pain.
As you do so, you’re letting all the pain out of your system and expressing it.
This is the first step towards healing from the hurt and forgiving your partner.
Avoid Revenge Spending
In this context, avoid using money as payback for what your partner has done.
Your partner’s wrongdoing is not an excuse for you to do the same.
Trying to “get even” will do neither of you any good, or your finances for that matter.
In other words, don’t make financial decisions out of revenge.
What Should We Do Together To Rebuild Trust?
Here are some points for both of you to consider to rebuild trust in your relationship.
Let It Go
To get past financial infidelity, you genuinely have to let it go.
This applies more to the one wronged as you feel justified to be angry.
You don’t have to let this go immediately, but you can’t hold on to it forever.
Letting go doesn’t mean letting them off easy or forgetting about it.
It means you acknowledged it happened but you’re moving on from it.
Healing starts from removing the thorn of betrayal.
You can’t begin to rebuild trust in your relationship holding on to these pain points.
Rebuild Your Financial Intimacy
After infidelity you’re starting from a painful place, so here are some tips to begin.
First, talk about your current financial positions.
This gives you the opportunity to reset things and lay everything on the table again.
Secondly, talk about the way you want to manage money in your relationship.
This may look different to how you’ve been doing it all along.
The one who was betrayed may take more responsibilities in the interim.
Or you may decide that you keep your finances separate in the meantime.
Thirdly, review your dream.
Discuss the future you’re both trying to build and what that looks like.
This will realign your focus and remind you why you’re making certain financial decisions.
This is important because the financial infidelity may have occurred because of forgetting the dream.
Review your dream and rekindle the fire.
Protect Your Financial Intimacy (Set Financial Boundaries)
Set financial boundaries that will protect your financial intimacy.
The right boundaries will also prevent financial infidelity from happening again.
These boundaries are to limit the trigger points that could rekindle the hurt from the betrayal.
This will look differently for everyone but here are some example of what it may look like.
You may decide that one of you holds all the credit cards to avoid overspending.
You could have joint accounts so you can have transparency.
Some may opt for one partner managing all the finances and the other partner gets a spending allowance.
I’d personally advocate you to have regular money dates to discuss everything.
These aren’t just about the numbers but about your feelings around money and financial decisions.
The aim of these boundaries is to protect what you have and prevent this from happening again.
Get Someone Else In The Room
If necessary, get an independent third party involved in the conversation.
They may help you to have the money talks without fighting.
There’s no shame in getting support from outside your marriage.
I’d highly encourage it if you’re finding it a challenge to rebuilt trust in your relationship.
Take Action
I know it’s painful but you can get through this.
It may not feel like it right now but you can overcome this, take one step at a time.
Check out our Couples Money Workbook to have a tool to rebuild your financial intimacy and start working together with money.
Share this to others if you found value in it and feel others should too.
Let us know how you’re getting along by getting in touch with us, we’d love to hear from you
Knowledge is powerless without action
So take action, and take care
Thando