How To Talk To Your Spouse About Money Without Fighting

Being able to talk to your spouse about money without fighting will immensely elevate your relationship. The money conversation can easily go sideways if not approached properly.

Fighting comes in many forms from screaming at each other’s faces to subtle comments and throwing shade.

It’s any form of negative emotions and reactions that will come up as you have the money conversation.

Why Is Talking About Money Important?

It’s often quoted that money is high up the list of causes of divorce and separation. 

My belief is that the lack of understanding, and improper merging, of each other’s money mindsets and money behaviours, is what ultimately leads to separation.

Money is emotional. This conversation you’re having is really not about the numbers, even if numbers play a big part.

The money talk is about each other’s money mindset, money habits and personal finances, not arithmetics.

Talking to each other about money is the first step to make big money moves together.

We Don’t Talk About Money Right Now

No matter the stage of your relationship, money plays an important role in your union.

From paying for date nights, going on holidays together, to starting a family, money is involved.

My take on this is, if you can be physically and emotionally intimate, then you can (and should) be financially intimate.

Building financial intimacy is a must and it’s important to discuss money in a relationship in the right way.

How Not To Talk to Your Spouse About Money Without Fighting

Let me start by telling you what you need to stop doing right now! These are the common elements that lead to a royal rumble when having the money talk.

Stop The Blame Game

No one likes playing this game and usually there are no referees to keep both sides in their place.

Blaming your partner sounds like- “if it wasn’t for your family we would have more money”, or “It’s your fault we’re in debt”.

Words carry weight, and when they are used in this manner they can seriously damage your love and oneness.

Self-defence is real. When someone feels attacked they will retreat for safety emotionally and in some cases, financially.

The blame game is not a game that will earn you any points or enable to collect more coins.

Stop Punishing Each Other

When you play the blame game you may end up also going down the route of punishing the ‘wrongdoer’ in the relationship.

For example, you take the credit card away from your spouse because you believe it will stop them from spending.

Or you take control of all the money and not give your partner a spending allowance until they ‘behave’.

First of all, we’re talking about your partner and your equal, not your child or dependent. 

More importantly, your partner doesn’t need punishment, they need accountability and support. More on this later.

Stop Nagging

Let’s be honest, a broken record gets annoying after a while.

You either stop the record from playing or you learn to ignore it.

Same goes for when partners are nagging each other about money matters.

Whether your nagging is justified to you, that doesn’t mean it’s the best course of action.

I used to nag Lindie to start investing for a while until I stopped. In my head I was trying to help her, in her head she was completely ignoring me.

She only came round when I stopped talking about it because I gave her the room to learn for herself, and to see the growth from my investment pot.

Actions speak louder than words, showing your partner is better than trying to talk them into it.

Stop Comparing Your Relationship To Others

Comparison never yields any positive results.

When we compare ourselves to others we start to change the way we are to try and look like them. 

Comparing your relationship to others can also lead to insecurities that will do more harm than good.

And this is where arguments can happen as one of you could be asking your partner to be what they aren’t.

Everyone’s journey is different and you have to learn to build your life according to what you have and aspire to do.

Don’t make financial decisions because you’re seeing every couple around you is doing it.

Stop Living Separate Lives

You aren’t just roommates or friends with benefits. You’re partners.

Partner means a pair of people engaged together in the same activity. In an intimate relationship, you’re building a life together.

It’s so easy to put your relationship aside when you have careers, education, businesses or family matters that demand your time and attention.

Be intentional about staying connected and together as this also feeds into the way you handle your finances.

It may be the fights you’ve been having about money stem from the lack of unity and feeling disconnected from each other.

How To Talk To Your Spouse About Money Without Fighting

Now let’s get into what you should be doing instead to talk to your spouse about money without fighting.

Start Making Money Decisions Together

Making money decisions together starts to build your financial openness and oneness with each other.

Money fights can happen if one feels left out and undervalued with financial decisions.

When you create your money goals together, you begin to work towards the same goals.

Even with all the best intentions, making a financial decision on your own and involving your partner after the fact, can still lead to tensions.

Having these goals together will stop you comparing yourselves to others or nagging each other about something you haven’t agreed on.

Start Working Together

You may be helping to repay your partner debts, that shouldn’t lead to you taking the high and mighty route to put them down for it.

If you have a spending issue, ask for support from your partner to help control the need to impulse spend.

To be honest, shame and guilt from financial mistakes is already burdensome enough on the one who carries it. 

Having a partner to carry the load with you and lighten the burden is priceless.

Be each other’s accountability partners to help each other on the money journey.

Be your partner’s sidekick to boost them up when things get tough.

Instead of tearing each other down, building and working together will yield financial success in your relationship.

Start Giving Each Other Breathing Space

When you’re in a relationship understand that you are still two different people with different personalities, interests and values.

Your partner may love online shopping more than you, but you may love gadgets more than them.

There are things one would value that the other would find a waste of money, but the same applies vice versa.

For instance I’m a music lover and I see the value in spending hundreds on a good pair of headphones, Lindie’s happy with a pair for £10.

She can buy cheap headphones and buy more expensive clothes without me telling her how fashion is a waste of money.

Although you’re working together you’re giving each other the space to be free to yourselves.

R.E.S.P.E.C.T.

This is the foundation of talking to your spouse about money without fighting.

You can demonstrate respect by not doing something with your money that you know your partner doesn’t agree with or feel comfortable about.

It’s when you communicate in a way that works for them and not speak your own language expecting them to understand.

There was a time when Lindie wanted to increase our savings and I wanted to start investing.

We both felt strongly about our points, but we didn’t take any action until we came to a conclusion that made us both happy.

Respect means you value your partners thoughts on the matter and will consider how your actions with money will impact them.

Showing respect gives you a good foundation to talk to your spouse about money without fighting.

Love vs Money In A Relationship

Money is a fantastic servant and a terrible master. Love, on the other hand, is a fabulous master.

Love should be the driving force of your relationship and money being a humble servant that enables your love.

Money purely amplifies and shines a brighter light into your relationship. I always say money is a tool, it’s how you use it that matters.

Talking to your spouse about money without fighting will be difficult if you fight in other areas of your relationship.

The level of trust and openness you’ll have with money will be be based on the way you trust and open up to each other in general.

Final Thoughts To Stop Fighting About Money With Your Spouse

See money as your tool to enhance your love and your unity, and you’ll approach the money talk in a different mindset.

Love matters more than money, but let’s be real, money is pretty important too!

The best tip to stop fighting about money with your spouse, is to stop fighting in other areas too. 

As you build your love for each other, your money relationship will follow suit naturally.

Take Action

Have the money talk today with your spouse without fighting

Save this guide and refer back to it when you have the discussions.

Check out our Ultimate Money Plan to get in control of your money and smash your financial goals

Let us know how you’re getting along by getting in touch with us, we’d love to hear from you

Knowledge is powerless without action

So take action, and take care

Thando