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At times it’s hard to know how to discuss money in a relationship, especially if money hasn’t been much of a focus with your partner.
When you’re getting to know someone you aim to find out the way they generally think, their life aspirations and whether you’re both into the same things.
Even going into more delicate and personal discussions around previous relationships, personal fears and how you really feel about your family.
However, there are a large number of couples who somehow have all these conversations and avoid the money talk.
Personal finance is personal. So if you want someone to know you personally, money should be a part of that conversation.
I’m not saying tell the world your financial journey and money habits (not saying don’t either), but when it comes to your partner it’s a must.
My take on this is this, if you can be physically and emotionally intimate, then you can (and should) be financially intimate.
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Talking About Money With Your Spouse
Money is intimately interwoven in line with your relationship, and trust is the foundation of relationships.
The key component to discuss money in your relationship comes down to trust and openness.
This shouldn’t be a forced discussion to tick a box, but a part of your journey with your partner.
The ultimate aim of the money talk is to develop financial intimacy between the two of you.
Financial intimacy is the foundation of setting and crushing your financial goals as a couple.
Two people won’t achieve much without agreement and unity. By agreement I mean a shared understanding of where you’re heading in life.
Is Love or Money More Important In A Relationship
Although my focus on this is money, love reigns!
Love always wins above anything and everything in a relationship.
However money plays an extremely important part in your relationship.
Please understand that money is a tool, and like any tool, how you use it matters.
Use it right and you’ll gain the benefits of it, plus the opposite is true.
In your relationship, money is a tool that can be used to enhance, nurture and grow your love for each other.
Equally it can be the catalyst that drives a wedge in your relationship and weaken your trust and oneness.
To me it’s not love or money, but love and money. Hence why I want to help you to discuss money in your relationship.
When Should You Talk About Money In A Relationship
As I mentioned earlier, money is personal. So as someone gets to know you intimately, this should include your relationship with money.
It’s really up to you when you feel you trust your partner enough to start having that conversation about money.
In the same way that it’s up to you when you open up about your inner dreams and personal struggles.
The nature of all relationships is that opening up to each other is what elevates the level of your relationship.
Whilst you’re dating you may easily talk about your life aspirations, career plans, or favourite holidays.
As your relationship grows the conversations starts to include more personal discussions such as family matters and health issues.
Money should be a part of all these conversations no matter what stage you are in your relationship.
The best time to have a money conversation is when things started between the two of you, the second best time is right now.
“Hey, booked the table for 7 for our date bring your net worth calculations” is probably not the best way to go.
Let me offer some guidance into how you should discuss money in your relationship.
How To Discuss Money In A Relationship
I totally understand that talking about money doesn’t come easy to some people.
I worked in a bank so talking about money was my job, whereas Lindie took some time to grow into the conversations.
No matter your feelings about talking about money, don’t let them hold you back from having the conversation.
Here are some pointers that helped us to start having the money conversations early on.
Talk About Your Financial & Life Goals With Your Partner
Talking about goals and your future plans is a must in a relationship, at least in my opinion.
It’s a good measure into whether you have compatible vision and life plans that will work when you’re together.
As an example, if one of you wants to build a family yet the other has made the decision to not want kids, that would require some tough choices.
As you talk about life and career aspirations include money in the conversation.
What are your financial goals as a couple?
What would you like your finances to look like in 5 years time?
Do you aspire to pay off your credit card debts or to buy a house?
The aim is to discuss your future plans and how money plays a role in that journey.
If you have plans to move to another country that’s great, and that requires some money to make it happen.
So as you discuss your life goals ask money questions around it.
This will also give you some insight into their thinking and mindset around money.
Talk About Your Money Story With Your Partner
Everyone has a money story because everyone has had money as part of their life journey.
Your money story will include things such as what your parents taught you about money, or your first memory that involves money.
You can discuss whether you received pocket money growing up and what you used to do with it.
You can discuss whether you used to get expensive gifts for special occasions, or whether you were always told: “we can’t afford that”.
If you went to university, how did you manage your money or if you had a job, what were you doing with your money then?
Although the focus is on money, it’s more about the role that money has played in your life rather than financial knowledge.
Talk About Your Money Beliefs With Your Partner
This is now going into the mindset piece of your money discussions.
Talking about your beliefs is one way to spark a conversation, or as I like to see it, a healthy debate about your beliefs around money.
The Psychology of Money is an awesome book that breaks down the mindset and beliefs side of money, it’s a must-read.
Discuss your thoughts on what money means to you, and what role you feel it plays from your perspective.
What are your beliefs around debt? Do you think debt is bad or good?
What about investing? What do you feel about investing money? Are you scared to invest or are you keen to invest?
What about salaries, what do you class as a low salary or a high salary? What salaries do you genuinely aspire to earn in your career?
Do you prefer to spend money on tangible things like clothing or gadgets, or do you prefer to spend on experiences like holidays and weekend trips?
There are so many other areas around money beliefs such as building wealth, being rich, giving your money, or your money habits.
Open up to each other about what you really believe about the various elements around money, and be very open-minded about your beliefs.
Expect to be surprised that your bae, lover and boo will have very different beliefs around money than you do.
Start Budgeting Together As A Couple
Budgeting together as a couple is the foundation of financial intimacy in our perspective.
Think about it, a budget has income, bills, savings, investing, debt repayments, and spending allocations.
These are all the various elements of money and when you budget together you’re having these discussions.
There are various ways that you can set up your budget as a couple but it is by far, the biggest game-changer.
Budgeting together also opens the door for you to have continuous discussions about money together.
Discuss Money With Your Partner
Like you love, your money relationship takes time and effort to grow.
As any relationship, you truly reap what you sow.
If you put in the time, effort and energy into discussing money together you can grow your financial intimacy together.
Remember, money is only a tool to be used to enhance your relationship and nurture your love for each other.
Take Action
Have the money discussion with your partner today
Do what feels comfortable for the both of you and let it flow naturally
Save this post and refer back to it for pointers when you’re discussing money with your partner
Share this with your friend, family, or partner and let them have some tips to discuss money in a relationship
Let us know how you’re getting along by getting in touch with us, we’d love to hear from you
Knowledge is powerless without action
So take action, and take care
Thando